Whats meant to be will always find a way!
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
9:19PM - Super-d-Duper!
OMG! I am amazingly...HAPPY! The day started off great...and ended great! Wow could it have gotten any better? well prolly but who CARES? not me?
Well this morning...i went ot dougs to wake him up...we talked and cuddled on the couch until about 9:15...and may i add...he looked amazingly hott...no shirt and boxers...man i love his body! but then we headed off the school.
I got to leave at 10:45 because i had an appointment. So my grandpa picked me up and then after he picked me up and went to Subway. I went to Math and had an awesome time! We were being so annoying and we were growling at ppl walking by. AND THEN...i was totally wired in PE. haha..i was so funny! i was totally the center of attention. wow it was hilarious! "Pickle?" Where? what?, cool BEANS!, tru dat wiggy, yeah jus chillazerin...yeah my Catalina is so funny!....but yeah...Doug took me back to his house after school and we cuddled on the couch. But his sister came home and we had to buy Deisel, my sweet pup, a happy meal(actually 2) so i got a milkshake, and doug got food. But then we went back to his house and watched Deisel unwrap the hamburger and eat the fries...and He even opened the box...it was so awesome! but yeah...then we went inside and "watched" movies! it was awesome! I miss him so much! I never really realze it until i am with him and i remember how we used to be. It totally seems like we are back together! omg...it is so awesome! We do everything a couple does...i hope we get back toghether...i think that we will...if you saw us in the halls and stuff..you would think we were together! AHHHHHH ilove hiM!
BUt on another topic. IN counseling today, we talked about Lee the whole time. Yeah i know i love DOug soooooo fucking much!, but i am in absolute love with lee. You can only be IN love wiht one person at a time. but you can love more than one. Totally makes sense. Then nancy and i talked about geting attatched...and yeah ...im totally attatched to Doug right now...and i need to make sure that he wants the same thing i do so that i dont get hurt. Yeah...but today was awesome...definately NO complaints...
Monday, April 18, 2005
9:31PM - Confession!
OK i have a confession to make! Yes nick and i made out during the Assembly. Yes he stuck his hand down my pants...yeah someone walked in on us. it was awkward...then today we were flirting major! Then yeah...during english...hmm fun stuff...but yeah tomorrow i am picking him up and we are going to waste about 2 hours hanging out...had to get that out...cuz there are so many different rumors about it...
I dont know...i dont know if i like him...or if he is just a fun guy to have casual fun with!
Well i know Gideon is going to read this...so it thought that i would say some stuff. At first i didnt know what i wanted because i had just gotten over with Doug and my relationship. But then Nick came into the picture...then other stuff. After this weekend. I really strted to like him. I feel like i am totally having to pick a guy over a guy and i cant do that. They are both so different. Doug is awesome in his own way, same with Gideon! I dont know what to do. I just need to relax for now. I mean...i do have to think about the stuff about Lee too! i mean he is amazing also and when he gets home...i swear i want to never leave his side. I love that guy so much more than anything i could ever imagine. He is so awesome. AHHHHH! i miss him like crazy....cant stop thinking about him...hmm...need to slepe ....and download Yahoo...laterz
Monday, April 11, 2005
Well today was quite odd. Yeah, well...hmm where to start...
I made Lee a reall cute tape...yeah it is pretty awesome! i love it...
But anyways...Giddeon called me and we ended up going out to the Sizzler and hanging out at mitchells. Yes we held hands and flirted and we talked a lot. We talked about his ex and doug. We both talked about how hard it was at first. And like...i dunno. He is such a sweetheart. He held the doors open for me and opened and close the car door and like said how girls should be treated and it was so awesome. I dont know though. I mean he really is a total sweetie. I mean. I would love him to death. but i cant right now. I love Doug so much and i am totally not over him. Giddeon would totally be a rebound and i dont want him to be that because he is such a sweetie. I mean, he deserves someone so much better than me. I am not ready yet, and him and his ex were together for 10 months and they broke up this week, i dont think he is quite ready either. I am so confused. i think right now i just really need to talk to Doug and ask him if we are going ot get back together. I mean i deserve to know. I love him to death. i dont know...i just really miss him. And if we arent going to get back together than i need to get over him before i get involved with anyone else. do you think that is stupid? I mean i really like Giddeon but not right now. He wanted to meet my mom and Jaden and i thought it was the cutest thing. But i really need to get over doug before i go out with another guy!
Saturday, April 9, 2005
OMG OMG OMG! Ok, life is so great! I cant believe it! the most amazing thing has happened. Ok...well after DOug and i went to get breakfast friday morning in the cafeteria...he walked me to class and WE WERE HOLDING HANDS! then after every period we were hugging and holding hands. This is crazy. Then i got really hurt in PE and i was spitting out blood everywhere...Nick saw me and called doug over...while doug rubbed my back i spit out a bunch of blood for a few minutes (i know, how romantic) but anyways, then he walked me to the nurse and he held my hand...then to class he held my hand...I dont understand him! He is totally messing with my head! we arent dating anymore! Is that too hard to understand! Does he want me back or is he just trying to get some!? WTF!?
Ok but anyways,, on Thursday, one of the worst things happened....Nick kissed me. I am so ashamed. I felt like i was going to throw up. he is like my best friend and i cant believe he did that! He was totally trying to do other stuff to me but someone walked in the room and we left. I couldnt stop looking at Doug because i was so ashamed. I miss doug so unbelievably much! I never realized how awesome he was until i lost him. I told Jenni and Laura about it, and they were both like...oh great...and stuff. i dont understand why they hate him. I know he broke my heart. But he is such an awesome guy. he is so sweet and he would never cheat on me. I was just so upset because i really didnt want to lose him and i thought i did. But i dunno...
But yeah, my mom came to get me at about 1:00 on friday and i was in class with Doug and nick and Kendall! OMG DOUG WAS TOTALLY HITTING ON HER! They made a salad together and were totally flirting. The whole time i was sitting there adn i was about to leave and i was talking to him, asking if he was going to cal me, but he ended up bringing her into it and flirting with her. I was devistated. Idont understand why i am so upset, but i cant help it. I am so mad. So yeha i just got up and left without saying anything.
But when i was at work today, one of the girls from that class was telling me how they were getting all pissed at him for flirting with Kendall wiht me right there and stuff. she said that about 7 or 8 people were about to walk up to him and kick his butt. She was like, "Go Get em" ahaha...i was like...OH I WILL! hhaa...good times!
Wednesday, April 6, 2005
9:21PM - Gettin' hurt for nothin
Today was so crazy. Even though my two "best" friends are totally treatnig me like im a stupid slut *even though everyone knows im NOT!, i had a really good day. Doug and Nick totally flirted with me all day. OMG nick wants to mess around. haha...wow funny stuff. I guess Doug told him that he doesnt care what he does with me. That he can fuck me for all he cares. but if anyone else hits on me or touches me, Doug will kick their ass. Haha...clayton grabbed my butt today and Doug punched so fucking hard. Omg i couldnt stop laughing! yeah...Doug was very huggy and touchy today. I loved it so much! I am so happy AHH! He carried me like after every period and gave me hugs and flirted and pretty much acted like we were going out. GOD it was so awesome!
But Laura and Jenni hate me. But what am i suppose to do? Change? i thoughtthat they didnt like that? Right now i am not going to focus on them. I need to focus on my future. I need to focus on school, my family, and myself. I need to get healthy again. Im sick of being sick! I cant focus on negative shit that is just going to bring me down. I have to stay positive. And i cant get stressed out. I cant. I cant. I cant. Laura and jenni are just makingit harder for me. and i dont need that right now. I dont need that crap. Im not a bad person. I dont smoke, i hardly ever drink, i have only done everything with one guy because i trusted him with my life. God i am so crushed right now. I cant believe the two people who i relyed on most....totally crushed me. I was crying all night last night and when i came home today. I hate myself...well i guess i have something in common with jenni and laura...my two best friends...hmm...dunno about that
Tuesday, April 5, 2005
Life is shit sometimes! The past week has been absolutely devistating. yeah, doug and I broke up. He wants to experience more things. So pretty much he wants to fuck other girls. He said he felt guilty because he was flirting with other girls and he didnt want a girlfriend. I was totally upset. I wouldnt eat or sleep or anything for a few days. I am ding a little better but GOD do i miss him. He gives me a hug everyday and we talk all the time. Sometimes we act like we are still together. He picks me up and stuff and then he hugs me. The day after we broke up we went to the mall together and not an hour after hanging out and being totally awkward...we were holding hands. i have been crying about him for the past week and i miss him more than ever. I just need to know if he ever wants to get back together. Hopefully he says yes. I love him so much!
Well Jenni and Laura are really pissed off at me. They say that im acting like a slut. Which i really dont get, because i am naturally a flirt. They have never seen me single in High School. I have had a boyfriend all yesar and this is how i act at OHS. Jenni was saying because i dont like wearing bras and stuff im a slut. What the hell...its a JOKE! I wear them...its not like i go everyday withoutanything. That is so fucked up. They say that i dont care about my looks. Im sorry i dont put makeup on EVERYDAY! What the fuck is that? i care about what i look like OMG! THUS THE BULIMIA SHIT! i wore a pair of Jenni's shorts today and she said they were see through but i honestly was way too stressed out about my car to even care. Does that make me a slut? maybe i just need some fucking support from my friends. I give jennifer everything. I buy her everything, i do whatever she wants. I give her whatever she wants. And this is how i get treated. I dont need that shit. I dont deserve that. I didnt do anything. She thinks that i am fucking around with everyguy! WHAT THE HELL!? I have kissed ONE guy since Doug and i broke up...and HE SAID THAT HE KISSED ME AND THAT IT WAS ALL HIM! yeahi didnt stop...but that does NOT make me a whore. I flirt that is IT...omg does she not understand that. Im not a whore...and anyone who knows me, knows that im not easy. Does jennifer think i dont have feelings or something?
To add to all this shit. My car is totally fucked up. the window is broken one is shattered. My stereo is broken and faceplate is gone. everything is fucking messed up in it. Because some stupid whores decided to be bitchy. Ok i dont understand...I just got my car totally vandalized because i was sticking up for Laura and the SAME day, she goes and tells me im a slut and all this crap. I dont fucking get it. Am i just worthless to everyone? Does no one think i have feelings?
I am so sick of this shit. I need to get out of here. I am about 99% sure that i am going to move to California with my mom. I am going to make sure Lee knows where i am so that he can come stay with me and then im leaving. I love my family here. but i cant stay here. I feel like shit. Every once in a while they act like they care...but then they totally bring me down. Is it not enough that i have depression and im getting over bulimia. Is it not enough that i hate myself? DO they realize what they are doing to me? obviously not. If they could only undestand what is going through my head right now....
What do you do when your best friends hate you? The love of your life moved away? They guy you love doesnt love you anymore? Your family is falling apart? Your health is about to kill you? You hate yourself? How can I even look in the mirror? Everything people say to me, i hate myself even more. I need someone to care about me. I have no one right now. God i feel so alone. I just want to lay here and cry. I guess i dont deserve anyone to love me since i am just a fucking disappointment to everyone.
Saturday, March 19, 2005
12:14AM - What is love, really?
Well this is amazing. Everything worked out. This week was absolutely torture! I am so glad it is over!
Doug was upet because i didnt tell him some stuff that was going on! Yeah im not going to say it because it is our business! We talked about so much tonight! He has never said "I love you" to anyone. He says it is because he is too young to know what it actually means! Well i know that i am too young to be IN LOVE! But i am definately not too young to love someone! There is a huge difference! Being in love with someone takes time, and it is something that is shared between two people. Loving someone, is completely different. It is when someone cares about someone else. I love doug. I would do anything to make sure he is happy or if something was wrong i would want to make it better. Its just a word that tells someone that you really care about them. It is more than just a "like like" feeling but more, sincerely care! Being in love with someone takes time, and it is created, not just felt. I think i kind of explained what i was thinking but i dunno! If you have any ideas of what love is, please, you are more than welcome to give me some answers!
Well Jenni and I are also back to our lovey dovey selves! haha...anyways i am completely exhausted and i need to head to bed because i am feeling a little sick! I cant be sick this weekend! I havent spent ONE day with doug this week so i am hoping that tomorrow i get to see him for a while! i miss him SO much! Anyway, have a great weekend YA'LL!
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
5:55PM - Crying a River (literally)
I am so scared! Today i showed Nick the email that Jenni sent me yesterday! I know that i am not really mad at her...i am just really hurt by what she said! She is my best friend and i thought that she would be more supportive! I guess i was wrong about that. But i from what nick said, some of it is true. I know that i put most of my time aside for Doug, but only because i am seriously only really happy when i am with him. When i was with Jenni and Laura on friday, i felt like shit. I already told jenni why and laura probably already figured it out. But i mean, when i am at home, i am fighting with my mom, kevin, or doing chores, being criticised or something that hurts me even more. I cant stand being at home. I feel so lonely. When i am with anyone but Doug i feel like shit. I guess i have gotten so attatched is because he completely makes everything else go away. I know that everyone says that i shouldnt rely on him so much, but i cant help it. I have gone through so much in the past year and for once, i am happy, healthy, and smiling. I love it. I know that i have changed. But doesnt everyone? i mean i am not always going to stay the little 15 year old church girl. Girls change, people change, i am going to change. I personally like what i am. I am not afraid to talk about things. I am so open about everything. I have completely stopped lying to my mom and hiding things from her. I am sick of it. I am sick of being upset. I want to be happy. And geuss what? I HAVE BEEN FOR THE PAST 5 MONTHS!
Nick says that i am too "clingy", which might be a little true. But i mean if Doug hasnt told me to back off, Why give up a chance to give him a hug or something? I mean, i am a very affectionate person and nothing is going to change that.
Well anyways, i am scared because Doug and I talked 5th period and i got mostly everything out in the open! And then, when we were walking to 6th he was really quiet, he wouldnt touch me, and then when i went to give him a hug he didnt even touch me. I completely freaked out. After everything i was thinking about, that was definately not the time to do that. I was so upset. I mean, the one thing i needed right then was a hug, and the person i wanted one the most from didnt want to give me one. I started completely bawling my eyes out. I was pretty upset. But then after school i saw Doug and again, acted so fucking weird. I hate it. I feel like shit right now. I dont get it. I am so fucking frustrated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is he mad at me? Did i do something? What is up? I need to talk to him so bad! I am so frustrated!
In the email Jenni said stuff about how i am not looking at my future anymore. Well guess what! Its not because i am just looking at the present. Its because i honestly dont think that i have a future! MY MOM GOT LAID OFF! WE HAVE NO MONEY AT ALL! MY GRANDPA DOESNT HAVE ENOUGH ANYMORE! I DONTHAVE A JOB! I AM STUPIDER THAN ALL HELL! If i have no confidence in myself how am i suppose to help people!
Right now, i just want to make sure that Doug and I are as good as we were yesterday! I am so frustrated....
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
3:51PM - Soy un chica dificil!
♥ Pode las estrellas en mis ojos ♥
I dont know what to think right now! Mikee Terrell was just talking to me online and he was saying how he can even tell that Doug absolutely adores me and that he cares about me just as much as I do him. It is amazing hearing that from a guy! I just could never imagine that a guy would say that. That makes me think that it is even more real. I dont know how to even explain how much i adore Doug.
Jenni wrote me an email saying how i need to straighten out my life. She was saying how i actually dont love doug and i am just acting. And all this other stuff. I started bawling my eyes out. I cant believe my best friend could say that! Why? I dont get it! HE makes me so happy! HOW CAN SHE THINK IT ISNT REAL! She did the exact same thing when she was dating Dana. Just becuase i spend most of my time with Doug doesnt mean that i am completely forgetting about them. I have spent every weekend for the past like 3 or 4 weeks with Laura and Jenni! How can she say taht i never hang out with them! I am sorry that i have a boyfriend i want to spend time with! I am actually not with him that much! I havent hung out with him at all this week yet. I dont know how she thinks all that crap! I was so happy today! I was glowing when i got home because Doug gave me a ride home and we talked and he gave me a goodbye kiss. I was completely glowing when i went upstairs and then i got online and checked my email! Now all i want to do is go hit something, or hurt myself, or do something stupid. I dont know...I dont know...I just want to cry...no...i want to hang out with doug. I want to just sit on his couch like we usually do, and just hug him and look at him while he lays there. I love watching him. Or when we sit there and he looks at my eyes and our noses touch or when he kisses my shoulder or something sweet. God i need someone. I am so fucking upset. I cant stop crying.
I am just not good enough for Jenni. I am never going to be. I am changing and so is she. But i guess i am turning to shit or something. I am just another dissapointment to another fucking person!
Friday, March 11, 2005
Ok...I dont know what to think....so much is going ON!
OK doug and i are great! We really couldnt be better! I mean i love him to death! I really do! But i am really getting stressed out! He knows that i was Bulimic and today he said that if i ever did that again that he would dump me. I dont think he knows how much it really hurt me but it crushed me. It is so hard for me still. I mean everyday i think about it and how i could do it more and get skinnier. But now that he said that....i am just plain scared to eat. I dont even want to tempt myself. I love him too much!
Then also....I dont think he knows this either...But when he said the "like like" thing it totally crushed me. I mean...I technically lost my virginity to him. I just want to know if he actually cares about me as much as i do him. I mean when i am lying there by him on the couch looking at him and cuddling i totally feel like he cares about me just as much as i do him. BUt then other times...when we are at school...i feel like i am totally obsessed or something because he acts completely different when we are alone. I mean i am sure i do too. BUt still...I really want to know if he "loves" me or if he just likes me. I dont know...i have been thinking about so much!
I mean what if i did end up getting pregnant...Would he stick around? I really think that he would...but sometimes the things Nick says makes me doubt that. God i love Doug so much! I want to tell him so badly...but i dont want to freak him out at all. from what nick and i talked about...."i love you" is NOT what Doug wants to hear!
Also I have been feeling really weird....i dont know why. I am just sick of Nick i guess. He treats me like shit and i am really tired of it. I mean he bosses me around, tells me to shut up, calls me names. And he always says that he is joking. But after a while of it. I get really fucking tired of his shit. I am not his fucking bitch to boss around. I am not anyone's bitch. I am my own. NO ONE owns me. The only thing anyone has of mine is Doug. and no one else. I am so fucking sick of being treated like shit. I do so fucking much for him...whenever, whatever nick asks for i always give to him, money, homework, food, drinks, getting his stuff, talking to someone, writing something out, typing something....i do everything he asks....and he doesnt fucking appreciate any of it. WHAT THE FUCK!
Anyway, yeah...I am so scared of getting my heart broken. I have fallen completely head over heals for Doug. I just hope that he has as much feelings for me as i do for him.
Anyway, i am going to once again, try to call my boyfriend....Write back soon!
Saturday, February 26, 2005
So many good times! Last weekend Jenni and I went to Ocean shores FINALLY! I was going to take Doug and Jenni but Doug couldnt go! I was very sad about that. But anyways. Jeni and i rode the mopeds and then we went to the clubhouse and went swimming. But not before Jenni and grandpa had a head to head ping pong tournament. Yeah he is actually really good. Fun stuff....but jenni and i got in the pool and these guys were looking at us and and we were acting all dumb but i guess we are hotties cuz they kept following us. We went in the hot tub, so did they, we went in the pool so did they. Finally we talked to them for a while. Well actually i talked. haha...They found out i had a bf but they still didnt leave us alone. So im guessing that they wanted Jenni. WEll we left to the locker room and i was geting undressed and i heard jenni yell and they were in our locker room with us changing. It was hilarious. yeah it was funny...we exchanged numbers cuz i think jenni like John and then we left. But anyways...
OMG! I got fired from my job! It was kinda funny actually! But i am really glad that i finally got away from there. I was so sick of Jorge hitting on me and trying to kiss me and grabbing me and me slapping him and stuff. I was so pissed off though! I was always trying to get him off me and i would be like "no no no, stop, i have a bf" But he always said how he didnt care and how he loved me! HE IS 24! Nasty mexican! GRR! Pissed me off so bad! But yeah I was at Dougs and i got to work late and my boss fired me. Kinda sucks cuz now my mom is letting me get my car fixed so i have to find a job super quick! But its ok cuz i think taht i can do it! anyways...i cant wait to get a new job! Anyways....
Life is great! Doug and i are going on 5 months and we are doing fantastic! God, i love him! I am kinda sad though. I dont really know why, well i do but i dont want to say it. Ok maybe i will. Everyone knows that Doug and I mess around but anyways, im not going into detail of what we have done. But I am sad because i thought that once we started doing stuff that we would have said "I love you". Its not that big of a deal because its jsut words. But its a big deal to me. I love him so much, so i dont know why i am scared to say it to him. maybe i just dont want to scare him. But why would that scare him? It shouldnt since we have been together a while and we have already done everything. But still ... I just really want to hear him say it first. It is just reassuring to hear him say it. Anyways...Even if we dont say it....He knows i love him! Well hopefully cuz if he doesnt, he is crazy. CUz im completely head over heels for him. Omg ... yeah anyways...
Life is great! I can never stop smiling...I love it!
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
OMG! I have such a bad headache right now! I hate this...Everyday after lunch i sit here waiting for 2nd lunch to end...then i go to class with Doug...Then i wait for another hour to wait till school gets out...then i go to wrestling with Doug...and after that i wait for him to call me! AHH! I hate WAITING! Maybe that is why i am so impatient! BECAUSE I AM ALWAYS WAITING! Jenni wrote me a note today! OMG! I want to cry so bad! She is going through so much! I want to help her! I want to get her out of here! I cant wait to get my car back! I am going to take her away someplace so she can be happy! Maybe she can run away and just stay with me or something....i dont know what to do. I want to do something. She asked me how i can feel like crap when i am so happy with Doug. I am so happy about that....but there is a part of me that is not happy...but it has nothing at all to do with him...it has to do with myself. I hate everything about myself. No one can change that. I have to learn to deal with the self image i have. It is such a horrible thing to say that i hate myself....but GOD i do! There is nothin i can say or do or anyone else can say or do that will change that! AHH! Anyways....g2g....Going to get Doug from class...I love my sweetie!
Sunday, January 9, 2005
Wow its been WAY too long since i have updated! So much has happened! Where should i start?
Well my life is great! I am still with Doug! its been almost 3 months! We have had so many good times!
We have done alot and everytime i am with him i never wnat to leave. I love him so much! He is the hottest guy i know! ok i take that back...he is the hottest guy i have ever seen! not only that but he is so sweet! he is the perfect boyfriend! I could not ask for anything more from him! He has everything that i could ever want. I know we are going to do really well! I am so happy with him! I dont know what i would do without him! We are so open with eachother! haha...so many good times! haha....wow....How can i only be 16 ut be so serious about someone. Everyone thought that Lee and I were going to get married....but he got over me. He has moved on....and i am really happy....it let me find Doug. I dont know what i would do without Doug. I was not doing very well this summer. I was extremely sick. I was getting sick about 4 or 5 times a day. Yea, it was not good. i lost alot of weight in 2 months. But my mom found out and i have been going to the doctor and counseling ever since. I am on so many medicines. I had my stomach and my esophogus rupture and i was coughing up blood and stuff for a few days. It was so scary. But now everytime someone pokes my stomache or touches between my ribs....i want to cry. It hurts so bad. it feels like someone is stabbing me with a knife. I know i needed to stop...so i have been trying so damn hard....but how do i stop? i dont know HOW!? i wish i could just not dissapoint everyone.....i want to make everyone happy but i dont know how....ahh....Jenni and i were not talking for about a few days or maybe a week or so. I was so stupid. I was mad at her for some stuff she said about Doug. Why did i do that? I hate myself for it. She is such an amazing person! She does not deserve the crap that i put her through. i was so bitchy and rude to her. i hate myself. I feel like everything that she is going through right now is my fault. I know she says its not but i wish that there was something i could do about it. i want to help her. and i want everything for her to be perfect. i know that it wont...but i wish i could do something. I want to just take her awway and just be us. i want her to be happy. i want to see her be completely worry free. I love her so much. I hate myself when i look at her when she is upset because i feel like i should be doing something....ugh....i love jenni so much.....i just wish she knew everything i wish i could do for her...
Well im headed off to work...even though i dont have a car....
Sunday, October 24, 2004
Sunday, September 5, 2004
I have been having a MAJOR mastercard weekend.
1 new ski boat = $3500
2 new wake boards = $295
Hospital Bill = $769
3 broken ribs, a bruised pelvis, a bruised hip, and a million hugs = priceless
*I didnt get that job at the YMCA that i had hoped for
*My car is totally tweaking...the battery wont hold a charge
*I havent gotten payed yet, and i have 3 appointments tuesday.
*I am not even CLOSE to being ready for school to start
*I dont have insurance that I am paying for yet
*I dont have a job yet
*and im TOTALLY exhausted
I have never been in so much pain in MY LIFE! it hurts SOO much, i would be fine if it were 1 or 2...but 2 are on my right side and the other is on the left side...so i CANT move AT ALL! It hurts so bad. I had to help with our BBQ today. Well i didnt have to, but i wanted to. I wanted to have fun so i went in the boat. I thought i was going to die. It hurt so bad. I was shaking i was in so much pain. I hate this. I cant sit, stand, move, or EVEN breathe without it hurting. I NEED TO COMPLAIN!
But today was so fun! George is the sweetest, cutest, funniest, smartest buddy i have ever had. He felt so bad for me, he was bringing me drinks and pillows and stuff. and then it was time for lunch and he made my sandwich for me. He is such a sweetie. He came and sat on my lap and ate with me, while everyone else was out on the boat. I fell asleep, and so he went out on the boat for a few minutes and then he heard me wake up and he HAD to get out and come check on me. He is my bumble bee. It was a really cute game we were playing. Then his little sister got REALLY attatched to me. She usually NEVER lets ANYONE hold her. it was so adorable. She cried when i tried to give her to her mom. I felt VERY loved. It was fun. He hugged me but not around my waist, around my head or legs, or arms. haha...he is SO adorable. I will have to put a picture of him on here. I love him! AHH! he is the sweetest 3 year old i have ever seen in my life! i love that kid. I cant wait to see them again.
I think im going to go wait for Lee to call me. I miss him so much. I cant believe it, i still have EVERYTHING that Lee has given to me. Every rose, every little note, everything! I have the little note from when he asked me to Prom, the balloons are still inflated from when he asked me, i have the card he gave me at our 4 months., i have all of the movie stubs from the movies we have gone to. I dont know what im going to do with all of the stuff, but i like to have it. I dont know if its sweet or weird, but it is helping me adjust to not being around him for weeks at a time. It is really hard right now, since i am having problems.. I think i am getting better though. I have been writing in a journal that i take to Jaelynn (my therapist). She is so nice. I have to write in the thing 2 times a day. i havent been very good at doing it. But when i do, its some juicy stuff. haha...i always get my emotions out. It is helping me alot, i mean i feel like everyone could care less about how i feel about things. it has nothing to do with friends or school. I think that it is all about my family problems. deep down i have a really strong hate for my mom. (ex. Today Lisa suggested the name Buster for the baby, and my mom flipped out and screamed, saying "NO, HOW COULD SOMEONE NAME THEIR CHILD THAT" and some other stuff....i know it usually wouldnt mean that much to someone, but it meant alot to me. MY DADS NAME IS BUSTER. well his nickname. and i started crying when she said that, and i didnt want her to see me because she might suspect something so i had to make my way over to the car and be alone. I hate it, i cant share anything with her. my grandma gave me a picture of Derik and I together and i fall asleep with it in my arms every night. I know that someday i am going to show my mom, but i dont know... I think that is the main reason for why i am so emotional right now. My dad is getting out soon and my aunt has been helping me out with alot of stuff. I think i just need to talk to my mom about it. But i dont know how to bring it up, or how she will react. It will be really awkward for a while and i dont want it to be. I think that i should tell her before the baby is born so that she will pay attention to what i have to say and not be distracted. I hope that she doesnt get mad at me. I just want a real family....my family has absolutely the worse things happen.
*My cousin was murdered in the green river killings
*My aunt was raped to death on the water tower in tenino
*My brother was murdered by my dad.
*2 of my uncles have died in the past month from cancer
*2 of my aunts were just diagnosed with breast cancer in the past week
*my cousin drowned about a month ago
*my grandma commited suicide a few years ago
*my grandpa is threatening us that he is going to die
*3 of my cousins died about 3 weeks ago when they drove off a cliff to avoid a drunk driver...
wow....that is crazy....there is so much more...but it is getting a little depressing and sort of pathetic...
i think i need to go lay down....my ribs are causing me extreme pain....Hopefully i will talk to ya'll soon!
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
10:27PM - Captains Award
The interview went great! I guess they are going to call me back because i have to do a 2nd part of the interview where i just watch the position! I hope they call within the next few days! I CANT WAIT TO GET MY INSURANCE! Its going to suck if i dont get this job...
Anyways, Today was crappy as always...I felt like crud, and my depression isnt getting any better. I have been actually getting worse. I feel like i have no one to talk to about it, and no one even cares. I dont want to burden Lee with it, and i dont want to bring anyone down. It really sucks because i think if i talked about it, i might be ok. But the only thing is, is that i have no idea what is wrong. I dont know if i am mad, upset, moody, or jsut being stupid. Today i got really mad for pretty much no reason. Because i didnt want to do something, i flipped out, i went in my room and starting crying, and i didnt come out for at least 3 hours. I just dont understand why i do this?it happened a few days ago too. I just dont want to do anything i used to. I dont want to play tennis, i dont want to be with anyone, i dont want to listen to music, or watch TV. All i want to do is lay in my bed and bury my face in a pillow and cry. I dont know why? i am so confused! I feel better afterwards but it doesn last. I feel like crap at the most, 20 minutes later. Talking to the therapist might help, but taking medicine when i need it helps sometimes, but other times, it just makes it worse.
Help Me! Why? WHY? why? Why? WHY? Why? why?
My mom and Kevin are heading down to Oregon this weekend. So i am going to be home alone (WITH MY LICENSE) for about 5 days! Hopefully i will be up for hanging out...and if not...i will just sit around and mope...
7:43AM - I gots the butteries....
I have butterflies in my TUMMY!
I have an interview today that i had to
Memorize the mission statement
Memorize the 4 core values
Apply them to 4 work situations
and study the work decription carefully
I hope they see that i really need (want) this job! If i get it...then i get to go get my insurance today...YAY! I really hope that i get the job...it would really suck if i did all this for nothing....WELL ITS IN ABOUT AN HOUR AND A HALF! Hopefully i will come ack with GREAT news....Have a GREAT day ya'll! WISH ME LUCK!
Im going to practice:
The YMCA's mission statement is to provide youth and community an affordable and asseccible resource for the psitive growth and development of body mind and spirit through recreational health and leadership programs.
Honesty Caring Responsibility RESPECT!
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
I LOVE PINK
My Bday was SOOOOO FUN! The hotel was awesome, the hobo was histerical, the thugs that called us mary kate and Ashley were funny, and the art was to the utmost perfection. But the highlight was: THE MARINERS GAME! We lost 0-9! It was kewl tho! This drunk 22 year old guy was totally hitting on me. He was so funny. HIs brother was convinced he looked gay and i didnt think so, it was funny. He loved me....haha....Jenni and i said hi TO EVERYONE! We are very outgoing, sociable, charismatic people! MUAH!
I GOT MY LICENSE TODAY!
The test was so easy! I was so nervous though, i could not parallel park AT ALL! I am so good at it, but i was nervous today i was freaking out. But yeah, i obviously did ok, since i PASSED!
But it sucks, i have to wait to get a job to drive, but my grandpa let me drive my car today. It was fun! haha...i had my Tim Mcgraw up really loud!
THE NEW TIM CD ROCKS!
My fav song "How bad do u need it" and "Blank Sheet of Paper" and #11 and #9 and #3 and # 16 and # 10 and #5....ok...I JUST LOVE THE CD!
Lee left for Utah yesterday. I miss him so much already! I dont know how im going to live these next few months without him. He got me a frame that says "whats meant to be will always find a way". I know that its true, and i really think Lee and I are meant to be together. Just the way i feel about alot of things makes it seem like we can make it through anything. I love letters, i hope he sends me some...
JUST A FEW MORE WEEKS OF SUMMER YA'LL! MAKE THE BEST OF IT!
CALL ME PLEASE! I HAVE ALOT OF DAYS OFF!
Saturday, August 21, 2004
Its been a LONG time since i have updated this thing...hmm
Lots Has Gone On....So Here it Goes:
I Took/Passed My Written Drivers Test
Had a Surprise Party for My Mom
Babysat Tanner the Banner
Went to the movies and out to dinner with Jenni and Everybody
Missed Lee TONS
Went Out to Lunch with Justin, Corey, Dan, and Jenni
Got Sung to 2 times ALREADY!
I am SO sad! I have only gotten to see Lee once in the past week! And he is leaving on Tuesday for Utah. I wish i could just go with him! I ALREADY MISS HIM! I am going to write to him, email him, call him, and send him stuff like EVERYDAY! I hope i get to see him tonight...but its ok if i cant. He seems like he is in a TON of pain, and i dont want him to be in more pain just because of me...
GUESS WHAT! ITS MY
Well Actually My Birthday Is Tomorrow BUT WHO CARES? NOT ME! Its still my bday! I cant wait, i get my license and then im never going to be home. YAY!
Jenni, My Mommy, Kevin, and I are all going to stay at the Alexis Hotel in Seattle. We are going to a Mariners game Monday night but during the day we are going to walk around and SHOP shop ShoP and SHOP! I cant wait....YAY!
Im Thinking About Trading in My Car For Either A BWM Coupe, or a Acura Integra! I want a '96 or '97 of either...HELP ME PICK!
I LOVE BRITTANY MURPHEY!
TALK TO YA'LL AFTER I RETURN FROM MY BDAY TRIP
ONLY 3 MORE DAYS UNTIL THE NEW TIM MCGRAW CD, "Live Like You Were Dying", COMES OUT! Tuesday, Aug 24th!
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